The last two weeks we have discussed, “Do I Need To Be Right?”, “The Blame Game”, and this week we are talking about a “Lovers Quarrel.” A Lovers quarrel, or a lovers spat, will happen in marriage. We usually connect them to a newer marriage because we are still in that honeymoon phase, where we are caught up in the new love of marriage. The lovers quarrel is that first fight and the gloves come off! You are starting to become a little more familiar with your spouse and you aren’t as careful with your words.
When you are “newlyweds” you are still in a mode of a fairytale, so to speak. You at this point are usually, very idealistic, you have really high expectations, and when they do something different from you, and the way you act, it may seem cute. So, when life becomes the norm, work schedules start back up, and routines ensue, you come crashing back to reality. Now, the socks on the floor, the dirty sink, the way they chew, become annoying and you can get irritated really quickly. Tempers flare and you can have your first fight!
For those of you who have been married for more than a couple of years, do you remember your first fight? Someone says something without thinking, it could be a rude comment, or criticism, and suddenly the one who was up on a horse or in a castle window is now someone you don’t even recognize. The argument is probably not even over what you say it is, but something underlying, that you have not communicated! It hurts, you’re wounded, and sometimes you stop talking, take a drive, or clean. Then you just feel like your world is over. Don’t fret!! It is not over, you just need to realize your world is expanding.
We are selfish by nature, and as we grow up, our circle of family, friends, and now a spouse, makes your world a little larger. Starting out, we are the center of our universe, and that is a major problem when it comes to marriage. Now, in marriage, we are trying to make our world become one with someone else’s. The things we loved in our finance’, that drew us to them, are now the very same things that grate against our nerves. We are typically attracted to someone who is the opposite of us. I believe this is so God can use that person to help us to be more balanced, and so we can do the same for them. To become one, we have to let down some walls.
Walls are good when it comes to protecting us from outside harm! But walls that we have built over the years from all the baggage of life, are only going to cause division between you and your spouse. A lovers quarrel is really just an open door to communication, should you so use it for your benefit. It’s not the end of the world, although it may feel like it. It is actually an opportunity to see your spouses point of view, learn who they are, and what they have to offer to the marriage. Boundaries are good, but walls divide.
Boundaries are good for all relationships, even marriage. But what about becoming one? Can you still have boundaries and become one in marriage? The answer is yes! We all need personal space, time, prayer, and wants. Boundaries protect us from becoming someone God never intended us to be. We don’t want to become someone else just to please our spouse. God created us to be different, man and woman! We are to compliment each other, lift each other up, love and encourage each other, and respect that we are God’s son or daughter.
When we are in the whirlwind of emotions swirling around us, and in the throes of a “lovers quarrel,” we need to remember who we are talking to, yelling at, or putting down. It happens! We say things we don’t mean, and we hurt the one we love the most. If we will remember who’s child we are talking to we will be more careful with our words. Words hurt, they can’t be taken back once said, and as our Pastor says, “You can’t say whatever you want.” We have to be so careful to love and respect our spouse the way God does. When you have a little lovers quarrel, remember to stop, pray, sincerely apologize, and don’t keep score.
Our prayer for you today is as you have your 1st, 10th, 50th or 100th lovers quarrel, that you realize it’s going to happen. You won’t agree on everything, but that you can work on communication through each one to better understand and compromise with your spouse as you learn to become one. Praying today for compassion, understanding, and above all, love that covers a multitude of sins.
Monday: Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” When you get familiar with your spouse remember this scripture.
Tuesday: Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise [man] keepeth it in till afterwards.” When you are irritated pray for wisdom on how you communicate it to your spouse.
Wednesday: Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” This is a wonderful scripture to pray over and apply in marriage, especially your first fight.
Thursday: 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 says, “But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” Praying God help you to become one.
Friday: Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” When you let down your walls in marriage, you can then bear one another’s burdens.
Saturday: Psalm 139:14 says, “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made: marvellous [are] thy works; and [that] my soul knoweth right well.” God created us special to His purpose for our lives, so we need to remember our spouse will not be exactly like us.
Sunday: 1 Peter 3:8 says, “Finally, [be ye] all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, [be] pitiful, [be] courteous:” Praying this scripture and remembering we have been given one of God’s children to treat with care. Remember to love and respect your spouse.
Thank you for investing in your marriage and know that you too can have a happily ever married marriage!