Unmet Expectations in My Marriage
Have you ever had Unmet Expectations in your marriage? I think if we are honest we all have. In my last post we discussed Great Expectations and Decaying Communication
This week we will be addressing Unmet Expectations. How to deal with them in the right way and Expectations that aren’t outrageous.
What do unmet expectations look like? I think that in our marriages we do have, from time to time, unmet expectations from our spouse. We think things should be one way, and they happen in a different way.
The good, the bad, and the ugly expectations
Expectations are usually just a system of beliefs that guides our perception of the way things should be. But Good Expectations are based on a moral or biblical idea or value system. They are the common rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” You believe and expect the man you married will do these things based on the fact you married him. If you married a man inside the church these would be a given. We are talking about the way we are treated, cared for, loved, protected, and provided for.
Bad expectations come from hurt in our past, rejection, fear, and abuse. Sometimes what we are really doing is expecting the bad and we are pushing the perception and story on our spouse. We are really battling our minds and the devil in this. We carry into our first, second, third marriage an idea, that we wish it will be different than what we grew up with or suffered, but we still expect the same thing in the recesses of our mind.
Ugly expectations are marrying for the wrong reason, already in an abusive relationship and feel no way out. We would marry, in this scenario, out of guilt, having children with, fear or feeling of not being good enough for anything else. This happens with continual abuse and very low self esteem.
Most of us fall into the top two, but more than you think are in very abusive relationships today.
Good Unmet Expectations Lets first focus on the first set of unmet expectations. Ladies, we can see things in our marriages that don’t live up to our standards or expectations of our men. We can look at them with distain and despise who they are, or if they have fallen short of our high standards. Maybe they aren’t working at the moment, or maybe they failed to stand up for us, maybe they weren’t there for us like we thought or hoped they would be, or maybe we just don’t feel the love we felt at the beginning. Maybe our expectations aren’t wrong. What if they aren’t doing all they can.
We have to realize they are HUMAN too. Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;” It hurts I know. It can be down right disheartening. We may cry and think, especially when you are newly married, they don’t even love me. Who did I marry. But we need to look at what is true. Why did you marry this man? Did you believe at the time you were marrying someone who didn’t love you?
The reality is we all have bad days. We have bad weeks. And sometimes we have bad years. That doesn’t mean we pick up an offense, leave, or mention the word divorce. Some will say, “I didn’t sign up for this.” But you did. He is the man you chose to marry. No one else did. We said “for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, til Death do us Part!” We took a vow before God to work it out, to love them, to be patient with them while they go through things, and while they have attitudes, sickness, and failures. Just like we want them to love us when we go through these things. We married all of them not just the good parts. They have fears, rejections, and hurts too.
So in the case of good unmet expectations let us take a look at the truth and pray James 1:19-20 “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man(woman) be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” We can slay a 6 foot man with a 3 inch tongue, so please ladies think and pray before you speak. We can deal with a majority of this in prayer. I have learned over the years to pray and tell my complaints to God, get my heart right, see what I am doing wrong, repent, and watch God deal with and move in my situation. When I take it into my own hands it usually leaves both of us hurt and disconnected.
Bad Unmet Expectations:
The second set of unmet expectations is what we will call “bad unmet expectations.” This usually comes from a second, third, or more marriages, or coming from some sort of a broken home. Maybe you were in an abusive relationship and then came into the church, were saved and now married someone healthy.
I know for me, my parents were divorced when I was 10 and that caused a deep pain in my heart. I lived my life in the world for my teen years and some of my adult years, and the baggage I had was caused by my life then. But when I became a new creation in Christ, I put away that victim mentality, and learned a new way to walk. Did it take time to overcome those years of hurt, pain, rejections, abuse, and woe is me attitude? Yes, it did. But I’m here to tell someone today, you can overcome!! Revelation 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.”
You see, God’s love for me healed a lot of those abuses and poor decisions as well. He healed me, set me free from bondages, and made me whole. Was I at the altar every time it was open, every time the church doors were open, did I pray and fast consistently? The answer is a resounding Yes!! I’m telling you this not to pat myself on the back, but to say with being intentional, consistent, and allowing God to keep putting me on the potters wheel, to allow Him to break and remake me, I was made whole!! God gets all the glory from my testimony!! What a Great and Mighty God we serve!!! Jesus is the answer to all of these problems!!
But even in all this we can still put our perception of previous real relationships and hurts onto our new marriage. Yes they will hurt us, but we will hurt them too. It’s called our flesh. We will hurt the one we love. Some people say we never fight or argue. That my friends is not a marriage. You do become one, but you can’t do that if you aren’t ever dealing with issues. I talked about a married woman with an unmarried spirit last time, this is when we disengage with our spouse, do our own thing, and belittle our husband with or without words. This is when we live our own lives and get out of Gods perfect order. I will discuss this in a future blog.
So what do we do when we are projecting old thoughts, patterns and beliefs onto our husband? First, we must objectively look at the situation. Do we use phrases like “he always, he never, and it’s his fault?” If so, we need to reevaluate, and change our mindsets. We need to pray, and fast. Jesus said, “when ye fast.” not if. Mathew 6:16 We need to have a shift in our thinking, and remember what is true. “Whatsoever things are true, think on these.” Our perception is not always reality.
We can change the narrative. We can’t change the past, but we can make changes for our future with the one we love! Ladies, you have to ask yourselves if you want the same as you had your whole life, your last relationships, or do we want something better for us and our children or future children. We can break these generational curses, we can say no more to Satan. Fight in the spirt for our marriages. We can allow God to give us the mind of Christ. And we can have a happily ever married!!
Unmet Ugly Expectations:
Ladies, this is a tough one. What about if you are truly in an abusive marriage. Not projected, but physically abusive, someone who does drugs, is having an affair, who has abandoned you. You should always make sure you and your children are safe from physical abuse and drug abuse. That being said, God can do anything. He can take something so broken, bruised, rejected, and beat down and “restore the years the locust have eaten!” Joel 2:25. He can change your circumstance in an instant.
I think of Abigail in the bible, she was married to a horrible man, but God turned it for her good and she was known for her wisdom and attitude. The bible says our spouse can be won by our gentle and quiet spirt.
We can see a marriage wrecked with adultery be completely restored when both spouses forgive and put it in Gods hands. There is a supernatural forgiveness the can take place when we allow God to move and ask for His help. I’m not saying you should be a doormat, but I have seen many a marriage healed when they took it out of their hands and gave it to Jesus the Comforter, the Healer, and the Author and Finisher of our Faith. You and your spouse may need to take this to Godly counsel, Your Pastor, or a trusted Christian counselor.
In conclusion, I am praying over each of you and your marriages. This is the most important relationship next to our relationship with the Lord Jesus. My husband and I pray for every reader to have a blessed, secure, godly, reverent, loving and protected marriage!! We are praying for you two to become one and have a happily ever married! God is Faithful!! Trust and Believe!
Monday: Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;” Meditate on this today as you look at your husband and your expectations through Gods eyes.
Tuesday:James 1:19-20 “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man(woman) be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” Read all of James 1:19-27 and meditate on this word as you think of your words and actions.
Wednesday: Revelation 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.” Ask God to help you to overcome old patterns and thoughts as you meditate on a new story and narrative. To be set free from generational curses and to see God intervene in your marriage.
Thursday:Jesus said, “when ye fast.” not if. Mathew 6:16 Today is the day to change things. Start a fast for your husband and your marriage. A 3 day fast, or even a day fast, if you haven’t fasted before will help tremendously. Many a lady I know has fasted for 3 days and seen immediate results.
Friday: Joel 2:25 “And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. This is a great promise from the Lord, and also a truth that sometimes God allows or sends things into your life to help mold and shape you.
Ladies of the Beloved, Jesus loves you with an everlasting love, he gives hope to the hopeless, and peace to our hearts. He is the Comforter, the Protecter, and Provider ultimately! We look to Him and through our relationship with our Lord we can trust our husbands. We can know God will meet the need. When men, or even our husbands fail us, Jesus never fails. He never leaves or forsakes us!!