Expectations and Communication
Happy Monday! Praying you had a great weekend!! This week is all about expectations and communication. I love this because we all think we communicate well. But in reality if we took a test of someone following our directions and they couldn’t ask questions but just had to do what we said it might look a little funny for some if not all of us. We might get frustrated, or they might. This is something I actually did at a retreat and it was pretty fun to watch!! But when I was the one giving directions it was a little tricky, I had to truly think about what I was saying and if I was conveying what I wanted done. Needless to say, I learned a lot about it!
Great Expectations
First, let’s look at what we expect when we get married! We walk down that aisle dreaming of the perfect man at the other end, so handsome, smart, wise, godly, he will take care of me (he’s on a white stallion of course!!), he will have a great job, we will have an amazing home, 2.5 children (or 10!), he will never smell bad, he will always say the right thing, it will be perfect!! Sound like a fairytale… a happily ever after?
Yes, I know those things did’t happen like that? Don’t get me wrong, I mean, I love my husband and he is pretty perfect! But to be honest, my expectations were false, most of ours are. We and the men, think it will be a certain way. Some of you had different expectations, some of you had more to add to the list! But we live in a false reality, and an alternate universe. We watch movies, even christian ones, and think this is how it should be. We need to be careful we can sin by wishing we had something someone else has. This has also caused many an affair, thinking “the grass is greener on the other side.” When we covet what our friends have or even a fake movie has. Be careful: the bible says, 1 Peter 5:8 “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about seeking whom he may devour:”
What happens when our expectations aren’t met? How do we deal with it? What if our expectations aren’t outrageous? I will write a separate blog next week covering this topic.
So what should we expect? Yes, we should have “good expectations.” I think some people don’t have any. Which leads to a life of lack and misery, marrying someone who abuses them in some form or another. So, what are your expectations? What are his? This is something you should discuss no matter where you are in your marriage. I believe it’s good to have expectations that he will love you, respect you, treat you like a lady, protect you, provide for you, grow in the Lord and lead your family. I know God wants these things for us. You can have dreams of children, a nice home, and a wonderful job. But, you should know if you want to be treated like a lady, you should act like one, you should love and respect him, and be a keeper of your home, whether it’s an apartment, mansion, or a hut in Africa!
You may desire children, but it may take years to have them. So, sometimes you need to adjust your expectations and be ready to wait on the Lord for them. What if you lose a child? How will you deal with that loss?
Maybe your home is an apartment and you aren’t able to get a home right away, or maybe you shouldn’t. Or maybe your husband doesn’t have a dream job, or he loses it, that can be hard to swallow. We have to look at each situation, adjust, be flexible and still honor our husbands with our words and actions. Show them support and believe it will turn around, and bind together as we walk through the trials of life. They will come! The only question is how will you handle them? We need to draw close together and pray, to become one even in the hard times.
The word of God says in Philippians 4:11 “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” and also, 1 Timothy 6:6-10 focusing on verse 6 “But godliness with contentment is great gain.” be sure to read the rest though.
Decaying Communication
Well, to get to those great or rather “good expectations,” we need to focus on how, when, where, and if we communicate. A good rule of thumb I have learned, is to wait until we have time to talk, and it’s not a stressful moment.
I call this decaying communication because we tend as women, to think our husband should just know what we are thinking. Or maybe we are talking but not truly communicating. We could just be shouting…we definitely don’t want to sound like the woman in Proverbs 27:15. But rather the woman in Proverbs 31:26! I want my words to be like honey, to comfort, to soothe, to be a balm, to satisfy the need for affirmation in my husband. Proverbs 16:24 describes this, “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.”
Challenge time!
Let’s put some actions to this. I challenge you to write down what you need from your husband, what makes you feel safe, what are your expectations of what a great marriage looks like, and ask him to do the same. But before you hand over your list of what needs you have, take a look at them, pray over them, are you living up to them as well? I know I wanted a godly husband who would lead me, pray with me, take care of me, that we would do ministry together. I will be honest, it took some time to figure it all out, and to become one. It took some time for us to pray together, for me to stop taking the lead when it didn’t happen right away, and learning to let him lead and find his footing.
We can be awful hard on ourselves, but we can also be pretty hard on our husbands. Are we meeting their needs, do we think and pray about meeting theirs before ours? Another scripture that comes to mind is Phillipians 2:3 “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.”
Ladies this is a great day to start communicating what we would like to see in our marriage, but be ready for some honest feedback from your husband too! So set some ground rules, maybe start with putting buffers of love on each item. Ask them to do the same, and let them know this is just because you want to work on having an even better marriage. It’s all in the way we say it, and the way we present it. This can be the beginning of a happily ever married!!!
Put it into Practice Daily!
Monday: Today lets reread 1 Peter 5:8″Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about seeking whom he may devour:” Mediate on and pray protection over you and your marriage, pray against covetousness.
Tuesday: Philippians 4:11 “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” Pray about your expectations!
Wednesday: 1 Timothy 6:6-10 Take time today to study and mediate on these verses.
Thursday:Proverbs 16:24″Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.” Focus today on your communication!!
Friday: Phillipians 2:3 “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.” Let’s get our heart right through the weekend!
http://www.happilyevermarried.org and email me at janene@happilyevermarried.org
Please feel free to send me questions, or topics you want covered!