Updated: Unmet Expectations
What About You?
Have you ever had Unmet Expectations in your marriage? If we are honest we all have. In my last post we discussed Great Expectations and Decaying Communication. This week and next we will be addressing Unmet Expectations. How to deal with them in the right way and Expectations that aren’t outrageous. What do unmet expectations look like? I think that in our marriages we do have, from time to time, unmet expectations from our spouse. We think things should be one way, and they happen in a different way. Write them down!
Expectations are usually just a system of beliefs that guides our perception of the way things should be. But Good Expectations are based on a moral or biblical idea or value system. They are the common rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” You believe and expect the man you married will do these things based on the fact you married him. If you married a man inside the church these would be a given. We are talking about the way we are treated, cared for, loved, protected, and provided for.
Bad expectations come from hurt in our past, rejection, fear, and abuse. Sometimes what we are really doing is expecting the bad and we are pushing the perception and story on our spouse. We are really battling our minds, and the devil, in this thought process. We carry into our first, second, third marriage an idea, that we wish it will be different than what we grew up with or suffered, but we still expect the same thing in the recesses of our mind.
Ugly expectations are marrying for the wrong reason, already in an abusive relationship, and or feel no way out. We would marry, in this scenario, out of guilt, having children with, fear or feeling of not being good enough for anything else. This happens with continual abuse and very low self esteem. Most of us fall into the top two, but more than you think are in very abusive relationships today.
Lets first focus on the first set of unmet expectations. Ladies, we can see things in our marriages that don’t live up to our standards or expectations of our men. We can look at them with distain and despise who they are, or if they have fallen short of our high standards. Maybe they aren’t working at the moment, or maybe they failed to stand up for us, maybe they weren’t there for us like we thought or hoped they would be, or maybe we just don’t feel the love we felt at the beginning.
Maybe our expectations aren’t wrong. What if they aren’t doing all they can? We have to realize they are HUMAN too. It hurts I know and can be down right disheartening. We may cry and think, especially when you are newly married, they don’t even love me. Who did I marry? But we need to look at what is true. Why did you marry this man? Did you believe at the time you were marrying someone who didn’t love you?
Reality Sets In
The reality is we all have bad days. We have bad weeks. And sometimes we have bad years. That doesn’t mean we pick up an offense, leave, or mention the word divorce. Some will say, “I didn’t sign up for this.” But you did. He is the man you chose to marry. No one else did. We said “for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, til Death do us Part!” We took a vow before God to work it out, to love them, to be patient with them while they go through things, and while they have attitudes, sickness, and failures. Just like we want them to love us when we go through these things. We married all of them not just the good parts. They have fears, rejections, and hurts too.
What Does God Say?
So in the case of good unmet expectations let us take a look at the truth and pray James 1:19-20 “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man(woman) be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” We can slay a 6 foot man with a 3 inch tongue, so please ladies think and pray before you speak. We can deal with a majority of this in prayer. I have learned over the years to pray and tell my complaints to God, get my heart right. When I see what I am doing wrong, repent, I can watch God deal with it and move in my situation. When I take it into my own hands it usually leaves both of us hurt and disconnected.
Monday: Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;” Meditate on this today as you look at your husband and your expectations through Gods eyes.
Tuesday:James 1:19-20 “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man(woman) be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” Read all of James 1:19-27 and meditate on this word as you think of your words and actions.
Wednesday: Revelation 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.” Ask God to help you to overcome old patterns and thoughts as you meditate on a new story and narrative. To be set free from generational curses and to see God intervene in your marriage.
Thursday:Jesus said, “when ye fast.” not if. Mathew 6:16 Today is the day to change things. Start a fast for your husband and your marriage. A 3 day fast, or even a day fast, if you haven’t fasted before will help tremendously. Many a lady I know has fasted for 3 days and seen immediate results.
Friday: Joel 2:25 “And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. This is a great promise from the Lord, and also a truth that sometimes God allows or sends things into your life to help mold and shape you.
Ladies of the Beloved, Jesus loves you with an everlasting love, he gives hope to the hopeless, and peace to our hearts. He is the Comforter, the Protecter, and Provider ultimately! We look to Him and through our relationship with our Lord we can trust our husbands. We can know God will meet the need. When men, or even our husbands fail us, Jesus never fails. He never leaves or forsakes us!!